“I lost my son twice.”
Those five words carry the weight of my life’s most difficult journey.
I wrote Goodbye Again because the stories we tell about adoption and loss are often too simple. I wanted to share the messy, unfiltered, and devastating reality of what it means to be a mother when your child is gone — not once, but twice.
Whether you are a member of the adoption triad, a grieving parent, or a lover of honest memoirs, I invite you to walk this path with me.
Why I Wrote Goodbye Again
The seeds of this book were planted in the early, fragile days of my reunion with my son, Michael. As I navigated the complexities of building a relationship with the man he had become, I looked for maps left by those who had walked this path before me — other first mothers and adoptees.
I found so few.
Modern society often insists on a “rainbows and unicorns” narrative of adoption — one filled with selfless mothers and perfectly fulfilled families. But beneath that polished surface, I found a quieter, more honest conversation about the “adoption fog,” abandonment, and lifelong trauma.
When Michael died, I searched again. While I found community in groups like The Compassionate Friends, I realized that “traditional” grief support rarely had room for the ambiguous, disenfranchised pain of a first mother. I finally found my reflection in the stories of those struggling with infertility and miscarriage, as well as other first mothers — those whose grief, like mine, was often misunderstood or suffered in silence.
I wrote Goodbye Again to break that silence. It doesn’t matter how you arrive at this threshold; the grief of child loss is universal. I pledged to use my voice so that the next person searching for a map might finally find one.
~ Candace
What Readers Say about Goodbye Again
Goodbye Again is the poignant and engrossing emotional journey of a birthmother through sorrow to redemption. Cahill’s all-too-short reunion with her son makes the memoir especially helpful to mothers who meet waning or ambiguous interest in building a relationship after reunion.
~Lorraine Dusky, author of Birthmark and hole in my heart
Written with raw honesty and courage, this important book takes the reader straight to the traumatic experience of relinquishing a newborn to adoption and beyond to the magical joyfulness of the reunion of birth mother and adopted child eighteen years later. This is a love story in so many ways and it will break your heart and fill your soul.
~Laura Engel, author of You’ll Forget This Ever Happened: Secrets, Shame, and Adoption in the 1960’s
Candace Cahill’s is a supremely necessary voice for acknowledging trauma and healing from it. Her writing moves me as a daughter, a mother, a friend, a woman, a human.
~Lori Holden, author of The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption and the podcast Adoption: The Long View
This book is utterly generous, completely engaging, and speaks to anyone who has experienced grief of any sort. You don’t need to be a parent, an adopted child, or someone who has given up or lost a child to find value in this book. Candace beautifully lays out her story and experiences in the most honest, revealing way and offers everyone an opportunity to heal through empathy and compassion. This is a story of love and forgiveness on many levels. Her story is so unreal you could easily forget that it is non-fiction. I could not put it down once I started: I HIGHLY RECOMMEND GOODBYE, AGAIN!
~Sherry Corrington
This book is deeply moving and takes readers on an emotional journey. It offers a perspective on adoption that society rarely sees and stands as a remarkable piece of adoption literature. It is truly a must-read.
~Monica Hall, Author of Practically Still A Virgin
“As a bereaved parent myself, I cannot even imagine losing the same child twice. In “Goodbye, Again,” Candace Cahill walks us through the agony of being convinced to give her son up for adoption, and then after finally meeting him years later, loses him to unknown causes when he dies in his sleep before they had a chance to meet again. “Goodbye, Again” will not only break your heart, but put it back together when Candace describes the tools she used to create a meaningful life and to show compassion for her abusive mother as she died a slow death. “Goodbye, Again” is a must read for first mothers, adoptees who wish to understand the circumstances that lead their birth mother to give them up for adoption, bereaved parents, and anyone interested in how to navigate devastating circumstances as they search for their lighthouse in the dark.”
~Melissa Monroe, Author of Mom’s Search for Meaning
“The depth of grief for birth mothers of adopted children is made all too clear in this heart-warming and eye-opening story of personal growth, resilience, and love. Candace Cahill takes us on a journey through tumultuous years of finding her footing and finding herself, while losing, finding, and then losing her son, Michael, again. While no adoption is perfect, this is a story of open adoption at its best.”
~Karen Debonis, Author of Growth: A Mother, Her Son, and the Brain Tumor They Survived
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