Another Mother’s Day

As has happened many times before, I’ve agonized about whether to post anything for Mother’s Day. But since I had to work this morning, and Tom’s on duty this evening, I’m sitting here with a chest full of pent-up frustration and complicated grief.

After I relinquished my son, I avoided anything related to Mother’s Day and pretended it was a day like any other. For so long, people had told me I should be happy he was with a “good” family and that relinquishing my child was brave and selfless. These heroic qualities didn’t sit well with me, and as a result, I spent most of my young adulthood in a constant state of dissociation. It wasn’t until I married Tom, and he asked me how I wanted to celebrate Mother’s Day, that my perspective changed. He asserted that despite giving my child up for adoption, I still had the right to claim motherhood, and, perhaps even more importantly, he maintained I had every right to grieve the loss of that child. Tom’s declaration felt like the first time I had permission to express sorrow for my missing son, and he assured me I could honor and mourn simultaneously, which was a foundational shift for me.

In the years to follow, with Tom’s help and encouragement, I began to share that I had a son. I’d sit at a Mother’s Day brunch or dinner and respond to questions about children with tear-filled eyes, facing the questioner’s confused expressions with as much forthright honesty and vulnerability as I could muster. And then, when Michael and I reunited, suddenly, I could share new, exciting details: how kind, quirky, and handsome he was, and my joy that he’d reached out to find me.

But just as I started to feel more comfortable talking about Michael, and began to hope for a future where I might look forward to Mother’s Day, he died, and the excruciating pain of losing him a second time catapulted me back into my old patterns.

I’m still learning to navigate the many complexities of being a mother without a child to hold. I am also still finding my voice, and although I’m sorry to admit it, I must report that I am solidly in the ‘not a fan’ of Mother’s Day camp this year.

New Podcast Interview

I had the honor of speaking with Sean Farjadi on the Stories that Empower Podcast. This podcast offers stories meant to be your “toolkit” towards a journey of hope, inspiration and empowerment. Here’s the link to the episode: Stories That Empower.

Concerned United Birthparents

I am honored to announce I’ve joined the Concerned United Birthparents Board of Directors. I have been co-facilitating a writing group through CUB specifically for first/birth parents for the past year and a half, and I look forward to continuing to give back to a community which has provided support to me and many other adoption constellation members.

CUB is an all-volunteer, non-profit organization founded in 1976. Formed by parents who have lost children to adoption, we provide support and education about the life-long impacts on all those separated by adoption, and we welcome all those who have been affected by adoption.

CUB recently released their Spring Newsletter and announced the dates and location for their Annual Retreat.

May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe.

Candace